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Microsoft Tells The Truth: Windows Makes Hackers Extinct! |
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from the dodo-eggs-with-a-side-of-sabre-tooth-tiger-ribs dept.
REDMOND, WA -- Linux longhairs across the world were shocked and awed to learn that Microsoft has spearheaded an advertising campaign that is totally truthful in its claims. The ads boast that "Windows .NOT 2003 will make hackers as extinct as wooly mammoths."
"Sadly, it's all true," sighed one Linux advocate. "With extreme licensing requirements, fifty-page EULAs, and mandatory waiting periods for the SDKs, Windows 2003 and related '.NOT nexus' technologies will make hackers, independent software developers, and hobbyists extinct."
Those wishing to develop custom software for the .NOT platform will have to register with Microsoft, pay an exorbitant "activation fee", undergo a rigorous background check, submit to a ten-day "waiting period", and attend at least one training session at a Microsoft Brainwashing Facility.
[Editor's Note: Well, they won't actually call them Brainwashing Facilities -- that's just the code-name until their spin doctors can invent something more euphemism-enhanced, such as Microsoft IndoctrinationX Campuses or Microsoft .NOT ActiveExperience Bootcamps.]
"If you want to hack together a quick Perl script on the .NOT platform... well, good luck," ranted one frequent anti-Microsoft ranter who frequents Slashdot. "You want to hack the Registry to get rid of that damn paperclip once and for all? No dice. You want to create your own proxy filter to monitor outgoing connections to make sure Media Player isn't phoning home? Yeah right! It ain't gonna happen without Microsoft's permission -- and that will happen just as soon as pigs fly into Bill Gates' mansion."
The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to obtain a scan of a photo of a Xerox copy of a hand-drawn artist's rendering of a prototype of the Windows 2003 interface. The most disturbing part of the interface is the "Red Screen of Access Denied", a dialog box that pops up frequently to inform the user "You can't do that", accompanied by a recording of Nelson from The Simpsons yelling, "Ha ha!"
"Everything you can and can't do within the Windows 2003 interface sandbox is completely regulated," explained an anonymous source who knows somebody that recently had lunch with somebody that works at Microsoft. "You can't install unapproved software, you can't attached uncertified hardware peripherals without voiding the EULA, you can't cut-and-paste from a Office 2003 document without first obtaining a password from the copyright holder, and you can't remove the annoying 'Sign up for MSN!' icons from the desktop without first buying the Windows .NOT Plus! pack and running the Icon Explorer program."
Humor.ix.org
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