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By Mike Cassidy
Mercury News
After years of doing mostly nothing, Congress has finally decided to step in and do something about spam.............................Something stupid.
A do-not-spam registry? You've got to be kidding. The Senate last week passed a bill that would establish the registry. It seems unlikely that the House will take up the measure before it recesses for the year in November, but it wouldn't matter if it passed the bill with flying colors.
Spammers are the cockroaches of the digital world. A do-not-spam list doesn't even amount to a can of Raid in this fight. Spammers are s*****. They lie and cheat and sometimes steal.
Telling them not to send spam is not going to stop them. Do you honestly think the very same strangers who approach you to talk about the size of your various body parts are going to have any sense of propriety?
And going after spammers for violating the registry won't work either. Spammers are phantoms. They use false names, phony addresses and move with lightning speed.
No. No. No. Instead, California's new spam law is the way to go. Our anti-spam law, approved last month, lets those who receive spam go after spammers.
Now you're talking. Under the California law, scheduled to take effect Jan. 1, those who receive spam can sue the spammer for $1,000.
The law will unleash a furious citizen army in the fight against spam.
Based on the volume of spam I get, I'm good for about $80,000 a day. Finally a way to really MAKE MONEY FROM HOME IN YOUR SPARE TIME!!!
Think of it: Hauling a spammer into small claims court and telling it to the judge -- who is no doubt as sick of spam as we all are.
Sure, even with the ability to sue, anti-spam crusaders will run into some familiar problems. How do you find spammers who hide their identities? How do you get them to pay the claims?
But this isn't about money. The beauty of the California law is that you can do something. And, man it will feel good.
Since soon-to-be-former Gov. Gray Davis signed the spam bill, I've been salivating. Maybe it's a long shot, actually collecting, but the very thought provides catharsis. For weeks now, I've been carefully crafting my threatening letters in terms spammers will understand.
To the latest ``Nigerian letter'' scam spammer, I've written: ``Dear Friend, This letter may come as a surprise to you based on the fact that we have not met, but kindly consider the message: I'M SUING THE BEJABBERS OUT OF YOU!!! PAY UP!!! PAY UP!!! PAY UP!!!''
To 22-year-old Anna, who saw my profile on the Internet: ``Yes, in the future we will be more then friends. HOW DOES OPPOSING LITIGANTS SOUND!!? :( ''
To Clifford Smith who wrote to tell me that my name was selected out of 500,000,000 entries, meaning I'd won $500,000 and that I'd be eligible for the upcoming $100 million prize: ``No, I haven't already won. But I will. SEE YOU IN COURT, NUMSKULL!!!''
To Dirk White, who wrote to tell me where to get Xanax and Vicodin: ``Hang on to the pills. You're going to need their awesome results and fast pain relief when I put a LEGAL HURTIN' ON YOUR SORRY PERSON!!!''
I'm starting to feel better already.
But now, it seems, all my hard work could be for naught. If the federal anti-spam proposal becomes law, the federal statute would trump California's law before the state measure even goes into effect.
That would not only be stupid. It would be a shame.
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Hey! Have an only-in-Silicon Valley story? Contact Mike Cassidy at mcassidy@mercurynews.com or (408) 920-5536.
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