So. I decided to join the ranks of castlecops. I had no idea what this site was about when I registered, and im not to sure I know its purpose now. Something to do with computers im guessing. What attracted me was the religion forum and the correspondence chess room. Anyways. I have far to much time on my hands so I think ill spend a chunk of it writing to myself in this thread.

Its been a few months since ive had good steady work. Ive had alot of interviews. Ive held quite a few positions. Alot of the interviews went badly. None of the positions were something I could handle more than a few days. Ive found that I come off a bit too intensely. One look in my eyes will speak volumes about me. The eyes are windows to ones mind afterall. Ive had alot of trouble finding my place in society. I figured with a dire need of any semblance of monetary flow it wouldnt hurt to aim low. I had an interview at Target. It went spectacularly. My magniloquence, appearance, and view on life seemed to catch the interviewer off guard. The majority of what I said didnt seem to register. She looked extremely nervous a couple minutes into the interview. Perhaps she was thinking about how, if hired, I would jepeordize the reputations of everyone there by my seemingly limitless ability. Before the interview she was probably thinking: "Hmmm. X-Marine, now unemployed, with a satisfactory employment history. Shouldnt go to badly." She didnt know what to make of me. I got interviewed by her boss. She seemed a bit more confident than her subordinate but I seemed to have the same affect. She was all fake smiles and handshakes at the end. She said she would personally call me in a couple days to tell me my starting date. The next day I received a post card with the Target symbol on it, thanking me for applying and stating the lack of fortune at having an open position for someone of my qualifications. Well. No problem. My interview at AmPm was much more brief. Two minutes into it the guy told me straight out: "I dont want anyone special, I dont want an intelectual, I want a worker." I couldnt stop myself from laughing hysterically as I turned my back and walked to my vehicle. My work experience isnt bad. I just cant keep a steady job. Once I learn everything there is to learn I get bored. I cant handle busy work. If I dont have a purpose I wont get fed up with I will leave without having another job to fall upon. This is probably why im in a state of financial disarray. Im not antisocial. I just have no social life to speak of. In result I have extremely poor social skills. I do have some traits of being antisocial. If I am forced to be in a crowd I will always be on the outskirts of it. I have ZERO skill in small talk. But I can say without vanity that I am a brilliant speaker. Strange no? I have very bad luck with relationships. I fell in love for the first time ever a few months ago. Yes for real. Im only 23 ok. Anyways. She is literally the girl next door. It was almost . . . not it WAS frightening how much we had in common and how perfect we were for each other. We both agreed on that. This was her reasoning behind why it wouldnt work. I was "too perfect" for her. My heart was broken. With all honesty I came extremely close to insanity. She happened to be a "social butterfly" so to speak. I sleep no more than 35 feet away from her. I get to see her holding hands with different guys (because she broke up with her ex last year she cant handle anything more than a "casual" relationship.) Because she lives next door I cant forget about her. Everytime I hear her voice it makes it worse. I thought it would be great to fall in love last year. Now I almost wish I never did. Almost. Even though ive been going through hell, wanting her and not being able to have her, I wouldnt have traded it away for anything. Even though we were not intimate for any longer than a few months, every moment I spent with her seemed to last for an eternity. I have no other experience to compare it by but if this isnt love I cant imagine what is. Im not religious. I find religion to be detestable. I am spiritual. My belief is never constant. It changes as much as my life is variable. I find it difficult to hold onto a belief because I constantly question myself. I doubt myself? Es muss sein. A short time ago I had conducted a relentless search for the truth. I found it. I was able to alter reality and it frightened me. It became far too intense and I found it difficult to push it away. Much like not being able to forget something you just found out. I will not tell anyone of it in any more detail than this. It happened in the past, I changed it from belief to theory, and I buried it in the darkest recesses of my mind. When I look back now I only consider it part of the past, which to me has no more bearing than the future. I dont want it to happen again until I am able to tighten my grasp on the reins of my mind. Im not really that interested in computers.